Dakota (Ch 32)

"I'm sorry."

I tried to swallow the words that just escaped my mouth. I took a step toward the kitchen.

"I shouldn't have said that."

She turned to face me. The expression on her face was somber, yet stern.

"No. It's OK Jake. I'm fine. I have to learn to deal with this in the real world. I can't live my life sheltered. I'm going to experience temptation. I'm going to want to drink. I know that."

"But I shouldn't be the one causing those temptations. I don't want to be that guy. It's too soon for you to have to deal with that kind of crap at home. Out there, fine, I get that. But you shouldn't have to deal with it here, Janie. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."

I took a few more steps toward the kitchen as I spoke. She dropped the spatula on the counter. She reached her right hand to push the bangs off her forehead. She leaned forward, against the cabinets.

"Enough. It's fine. Let's just not talk about it anymore."

I'd made it worse by pushing the conversation further. What was I thinking? I knew what it was like. I had been there before.

"I'm sorry. How's breakfast coming?"

I tried to change the subject. I wanted to dispel the emotional outburst that I could see building in her.

"It's almost ready, Jake."

She was holding the spatula again in one hand and grasped the handle of the skillet in the other. She looked up at me with an innocent and forgiving sort of half smile. I bit my bottom lip and gave the same in response.

"And I'm sorry about Karen. That was unexpected, I'm sure."

"Yeah. I didn't expect that emotionality from her. I thought she had it together. Just proves that people only show you what they want you to see. Til now I thought there might be something there, but after that hint of drama...I don't really want to find out anymore."

"Mmhmm. Best to leave well enough alone."

I stopped by the island and slid a stool out from under the counter. She lifted the skillet and turned to slide two fresh pancakes onto my plate. I reached in the cabinet and pulled out the syrup. I covered the plate in the sweet confection. She took her seat next to me.

"I don't know where to go from here."

"Yes you do Jake."

"No I don't.

As she chewed, she tried to speak.

"Yah ya do."

I placed my fork across the edge of my plate. I wiped the corners of my mouth and just stared at her.

"Do you want to tell me then?"

She followed my cue and set her fork down. Syrup still stained her mouth.

"Jacob. Life is going to go on. Stop freaking out. That girl...Rebekah is having your baby. You are going to be there for her. You are going to be a father."

She picked up her fork again and stabbed at the soggy pancakes.

"And a damn good one."

She muttered between bites. I shifted positions. I tried to stretch out my legs, but I just fidgeted awkwardly.

"That's what I should do."

"That's what you will do."

"You make it sound so easy."

"It is easy."

"It's not."

I shook my head. Blink. She continued to respond in a very calm and collected fashion. I was growing more and more agitated. I was nervous. I truly didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to expect anymore.

"Calm down, OK?"

"I just don't know how."

I dropped my fork on my plate. The steel clanged against the porcelain. I pushed back on the counter and rose to my feet.

"Jake--"

I climbed the stairs and retreated to my room. I should have stayed in bed. It was safe there. I shouldn't have answered the phone. I shouldn't have left the blankets. She didn't follow me. But she came to the foot of the stair and called after me. I could feel that she waited there a few minutes before giving up and returning to finish her pancakes. It didn't bother me. I needed to be alone. I needed time.

/ / /

"Well in the meantime, I need to be with him then."

"Miss, it'd be best if you just stayed here. It's safest for you and your baby."

"You listen to me Agent Dirksen. I don't give a damn what you think. And as for my baby, don't you dare tell me what's good for my baby. What's best? What's best is that I be with the man I love right now. What's best is that we are all together. Just do your job. Keep us safe."

"Miss I understand you want to be with him right now--"

"It's not up to you. Either do what you're paid to do, or get the hell out of my way, because I'm going to Wessington. Now."

He stepped to the side while she pulled her suitcase from the beneath the bed. She packed her belongings yet again. She was beginning to feel like a vagabond. Always packing, always moving, but never home. She hoped this time would be different. She wanted it to be different. She just wanted a family.

She pulled the zipper around the outside of the luggage. She placed it on the ground and pulled the handle up. She paused to rub her belly.

"It's alright buddy, we're just going to go for a little ride."

She grabbed the handle and kicked the base of the suitcase, wheeling towards the door of the room. She fought to hold open the heavy door while pulling her luggage out behind her. Agent Dirksen stood, unmoving in the room. She watched the door close and heard the latch click. She thought she heard him talking into the phone before she stepped off down the hall.

She reached the desk where she spoke with the portly bald man who had been there before. She swiped her card and waited nervously for it to be approved. She was almost out of money. She knew she was near her limit on the card. And she knew the others were already maxed. He slid the slip to her and she quickly signed. She was happy to see the sun as she exited the lobby. She did her best to get the suitcase in the trunk of her rental. She carefully took her place behind the wheel, turned the key and pressed the gas.

The drive seemed shorter this time. She was becoming accustomed to it. For the first time, she found herself realizing how different Dakota was. She missed Chicago, but she liked it here too. It was refreshing to be away from the city. Time ticked by and the miles seemed to disappear. She recognized the familiar change from pavement to gravel. Then from gravel to dirt. She saw the house in the distance. She saw the FBI car blocking the lane. She tapped the brake and the car rolled to a stop.

/ / /

I pulled the blankets up around my neck. The cool sheets felt good against my skin. The ticking of the clock comforted me. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted peace. I didn't want to think about any of it. I need to be away from it all. I had to escape. It's the only thing I knew to do. I was too stressed to write. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't formulate a coherent thought. Sleep was the only option.

I laid on my stomach with my face pushed into the down pillow. I didn't move. I breathed deeply. My eyes closed. I felt myself slipping away. My rest didn't last.

It was unmistakable. I sat up and threw back the covers.

"Janie!"

The noise resounded again. A shotgun.

"Janie!"