Take This World

So going back through my notebook yesterday, the one that contains all of my writing from a few years ago (and no it's not a journal! LOL), I stumbled across this. I don't remember writing it or ever rereading it before, but I really like it. It's one of the better ones, I think.

9.16.2005

Take This World

Where did the world go wrong?
Can this emotion be expressed in a song?
I can't secure the words
That describe the way I feel inside
The world does not forgive
And only benevolence does it forget

God, take this world away
Bring a better day
God, take this world away
This is all that I can pray
Take this world away

This life had been so hard
I won't live on with disregard
I believe in bigger things
Than all this world can bring
How can there be so many blind
to all the pagan kind?

God, take this world away
Bring a better day
God, take this world away
This is all that I can pray
Take this world away

Take me to a better place
Away from vengeance and disgrace
Take me to a better place
I thank you for Your sacrifice
Take this world away

14,001 memories

I have always been one to hold on to old memories. People frequently tell me that they are amazed at my ability to remember some small piece of the past. Just yesterday a friend from high school was surprised I remembered her birthday (apart from Facebook reminders...). Remembering my past and where I've come from is important to me. I have, of course, learned many lessons along the way, but just as notably, I have had a ton of fun over the past 24 years. It's refreshing to sit back and relax and remember so many good times, so many good people that I've enjoyed growing up. There are too many people in this life that have memories that they want to ignore or scars they hope to forget. I'm extremely lucky to not find myself in that situation. Clearly, I'm not saying I'm a perfect person. But I've tried to live my life with no regrets and feel that I have been 99.5% successful. There's barely a single thing I would do over if given the chance. Even in my mistakes, there was a purpose, a lesson.

How can I not want to change a thing? Easy. There's too much to celebrate. My school experience was one to cherish. Many people are amazed to learn that I enjoyed going to a private Christian school for thirteen years. It seems strange and unfathomable to them. But it's all I've ever known. I grew up knowing everyone in my class. I grew up knowing every teacher at my school. Really knowing them, not just their names and faces. My education wasn't compromised. My opportunities weren't compromised because of where I went to school. If anything, my education was all the better. As I continue at YCP this semester, I am dumbfounded at how much more I was taught at CSY then so many other students that attended public schools. What happened to grammar education? The thirteen years I spent at CSY were great. They were far from perfect, but I never once even imagined myself going to school anywhere else. It wasn't even an option to me. The people that are in my life today are a testament to the friendships that were forged there.

As I sit here typing, its hard to wrap all the memories up in a short piece of prose. Take for instance the plethora of stories that I could tell about the Peanuts gang from Junior year. Andrea, Rachel, Juli, Roe...love you guys! Thanks for adopting me that year. It meant a lot. Good memories. Then there's yearbook. What can I even say to sum up the two awesome years creating two great books! March for Life, golf tournament, NHS skippings, Student Council skippings, yearbook photo shoots, terrible field trips, so so many field trips (especially Junior year). When did I go to classes? Senior year...Hannah, Shelley, and Sherry: you guys got me through. Remember Retrospective, Inc.? Lyss, that study hall with Kemper was ridiculous! Snake skins and shark parts got distributed to too many lockers. Speaking of which...SENIOR SPRITE LOCKER! Senior Play! I mean who doesn't remember the dramatic reading of Everyone Poops that got us through those final practices. We pulled it together and everyone said we would fail.

The Friday Night Crew continues on, now nearly seven years post-graduation. Angel, Aimee, Alyssa, and Jonathan are four of the truest friends. I'm not sure I will ever find a group of friends that will mean more to me than these guys do. And as the group has added people over the years to the point of its current 'membership', the fun has multiplied. How many trips have we been on? We are so lucky! There are some amazingly generous parents to thank too. An Excursion, an RV, and a house that made a lot of fun possible! Niagara Falls, Toronto, Jim Thorpe, Myrtle Beach, OCMD, Harpers Ferry, D.C....Here's to the next seven years!

There's those newer friends too. Kylee, Krystal, Lucas, Lauren. Some pretty amazing memories to get started...I'm sure there are many more in store. Who forgets breaking bowling lanes? or building terrible gingerbread houses/hotels? or teaching your first class? I won't!

There's those people from T.J.Maxx and Target too. There's too many to list them all. But Megan, Jen, Stacey, Stacy, and Rachelle...I love you Maxx girls.

I can't imagine my life without my friends. No man is an island. John Donne summed it up almost 400 years ago. It couldn't be more true.

Love each and every one of you guys! Thanks for always being there, yesterday and always.

Fighting Within Myself

(written during the summer of 2005)

Fighting Within Myself

I hate myself sometimes
Putting my own interests before those of others
Forgetting about how good I have it
I'm selfish all too often
Wanting life's unnecessaries and frivolities
Thinking things could always be better, bigger

I'm not looking up, reaching out
Looking within instead
Seeing what I don't like and seeing what needs to change

I'm fighting within myself
For ways to be grateful
I'm fighting within myself
For release from the turmoil within
My soul's been battered and bruised
I need a total rejuvenation
I need Your help to defeat the worst of me

I get caught up sometimes
Worrying too much about myself
Neglecting the ones I love
I'm sinning just the same
Following Adam's footsteps
Trying to pass the blame

I'm not looking up, reaching out
Looking within instead
Seeing what I don't like and seeing what needs to change

I'm fighting within myself
For ways to be grateful
I'm fighting within myself
For release from the turmoil within
My soul's been battered and bruised
I need a total rejuvenation
I need Your help to defeat the worst of me

I've had no tougher opponent
Than the one I've created in myself
I've face no bigger challenge
Than the one I take on today
I'm fighting within myself
To defeat the worst of me

Writings

Over the years I have written many short pieces (mostly poems and song lyrics) that I have never done anything with. Going forward I am going to begin posting them here. I haven't edited any of these since they were originally written and the majority are from at least five years ago; so please bare with me. I have been working on other, larger projects lately, which are not ready for review yet. The writings I will feature here tend to be on the darker side because I wrote them at a time in my life when I was dealing with feelings of loneliness and uncertainty. Please be assured that while I recognize and sympathize with the emotions involved, I no longer have those feelings to the same degree.


Wounds

You can't take back what's been said
What's done is done
Those words were your emotions released
And they cut me deep
They rolled off your tongue so easily
Yet now you claim it was only a mistake
That you didn't mean it
But the truth is you did

Slicing through my skin, now dead
Evil predilections verbalized
Wishing none of this had been said
These harsh words have me paralyzed

You can't always make up
For what's been done
Sometimes the wounds are too deep
The loss too great to heal
And all you're left with are painful memories
And scars on your soul

Slicing through my skin, now dead
Evil predilections verbalized
Wishing none of this had been said
These harsh words have me paralyzed

Praying Your love is the cure
To take away these scars
Hoping your mercy can release me
From behind my own prison bars
Only You can heal my wounds

Who I Am

Some things in life are difficult. Others are exceedingly easy. There are times when I contemplate decisions that have no real bearing on my life. Still, other times when I've made rash choices without taking time to consider alternatives. But when you sum it all up. I know who I am, and I'm happy with who I've become.

There will always be people that come in to your life that judge you, project their own shortcomings and struggles onto you. Throw off those chains. Don't let yourself be held back by another's problems. There will be times when it seems just too hard, especially when someone you care about clouds your judgement with misconceptions and unfounded truths about who you are or who they feel you've become. Allow yourself to embrace who you are. Cultivate your interests and enjoy your life. It'll make all the difference. Confidence is addictive. Believe in yourself. You can't expect anyone else to put their faith in you if you aren't willing to trust yourself.

I sound so melancholy and insightful; yet, I couldn't be happier! Life is good. God is good. Be who you are, but most of all, be happy with who you are. I am who I am because of the experiences that I have endured over the past 24 years. I was created to be who I am. And that is someone that I am happy to have become.