I awoke to the warmth of the Spring sun beating on my chest. The light broke through the thin veil of green and flooded the room. I pushed back the blankets, my eyes opening narrowly. I turned to face the window. The world appeared the same as any other day. I rested on my back again. I could see the palpitations of my heart. I watched as my chest rose and fell with each new breath. Blink. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to face the world. I didn't want to face my life today. But this moment, this moment was without flaw.
I heard my phone vibrating on the dresser across the room. I let it go. The bed brought me comfort. It was safe. It didn't change. It didn't leave. It didn't die. The buzzing began again. I didn't move. It stopped, then restarted.
I swung my legs out to the side and placed my feet on the floor. I sat for a moment and wiped the sleep from my eyes. I stretched out my arms and yawned. I fumbled to create some sort of sense out of the chaos that was my hair. Pushing down with both hands, I stood. I walked around the end of the bed and into the bathroom. I took my morning piss and then brushed my teeth. The swishing soothed my nerves. I spit, twice, as always. I rinsed the brush and returned it to its holder. I approached the dresser with hesitance. Who had called? I assumed it had been Rebekah. I pulled open the top drawer and grabbed a pair of underwear. I slid them on, picked up my phone and sat on the bench at the window.
Four missed calls. Two voicemails. Unknown number. I pressed 'send' to call back. The voice on the other end was familiar. Donny Kahle. I immediately sensed the stress in his cadence. What I heard, I couldn't fathom. I couldn't put the pieces together. I couldn't believe it.
Holt was dead.
If I was nervous before, I was afraid now. Janie would be next. Janie was going to die. I feared there was nothing that could stop it. It felt unavoidable.
I let the sun wash across my face for a moment. I closed my eyes and just felt the warmth as I leaned my forehead on the glass. I had to keep it together for Janie. I couldn't fall apart now. Not now. I gripped my phone tightly in my palm. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. I wanted it all back. I wanted my Mom back. My Dad, Jason...Rebekah. I wanted my life back. I didn't want whatever this was. I didn't want it.
The warmth turned to heat. Sweat began to bead on my neck and chest. I left the bench and crawled back beneath the blankets that covered my bed. I didn't want to face the world today. I didn't know how. I didn't know what to do next, or where to go. I was lost. I was trapped. I couldn't live a life like this. My home confined me. It seemed to grow continually smaller. Fear and anticipation poisoned my haven.
I wrapped my arms around the pillow and rolled onto my side. I could sleep. I just needed to keep sleeping. I held my eyes shut. I wanted to go back to sleep. I could escape this. My chest pounded. I just wanted it to stop. I wanted it to stop. I couldn't hold it back any longer. My eyes grew wet. This wasn't me. I didn't do this. Jason was always emotional. I was always strong. But I felt the facade cracking. I had built a wall. I had built many walls. They were quickly being dismantled. I crumbled. I sobbed uncontrollably as I clenched my pillow. I kicked back the blankets. My legs pulled up and in. My body rocked back and forth. It was an attempt to sooth myself. But it did nothing.
I heard the shuffle of footsteps. My eyes peeled open. In the frame of the door, I saw my sister leaning calmly. I saw the wrinkle across her forehead and the concern in her gaze.
"Jake?"
"Yeah."
I swallowed hard and tried to tried to ignore my current state.
"Jake are you alright? What's the matter?"
I pulled a blanket over my body and sat on the edge of the bed I faced the wall opposite her. I wanted to avoid those eyes.
"I'm fine."
There was no confidence in my statement. I didn't even fool myself.
"Are you sure? You seem upset? I already talked to Kahle. I know it seems overwhelming."
"Huh. That's an understatement."
"But, it's going to be alright. I know it is. I've been through a lot of crap Jake. I'm still standing. I made it. And you can make it through this. I know you can. We're going to make it. We are. Look at me."
She sounded like my mother now. My wiped my eyes with back of my hands and turned to face her. Blink.
I watched as her face changed. Intensity formed.
"This is all going to be over soon. And you and me? We'll still be right here."
My head dropped into my open hands. I rubbed my face, pushing and pulling the skin as I attempted to wipe away the tension.
"Thanks. I just need to keep myself distracted. I'll be fine. Just give me a minute and I'll be down."
"Sure. No hurry. But how 'bout some pancakes?"
"Sounds perfect."
"Good."
She winked and disappeared down the stairs.
Who had I become? I didn't recognize this man. I still just wanted to go back to sleep. Sleep would offer peace.
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